because you married someone who happens to be rabidly jealous and my idea of a good time isn't watching someone else elicit sounds out of you by rubbing you down, we're going to skip the middle masseuse here and i'm going to treat you to a spa day of my very own. this includes (but is not limited to):

three lush bath bombs

kitschy soap

body oils (to rub you down myself)

and one (1) scented candle